The Simpsonized Humanist 17 July, 2007

Wow. I can’t believe it’s been almost a week since I last posted. Luckily, not too much dust has gathered on this blog–at least I don’t think so, anyway. For those of you who might be interested, rest assured that your Grumpy Humanist has not been up to anything spectacularly interesting these past few days, other than reading way too much and not budgeting my time.

Ahem.

So yesterday I found out about SimpsonizeMe.com, yet another marketing ploy for the new Simpsons Movie. Basically, you upload a head-shot of yourself and the Simpsonizer works its magic. A very fun diversion, though some people seem to take it a bit too seriously. But then again, when doesn’t New York Magazine take itself seriously? Oh well.

 

However, it appears that the Simpsonizer does work for those of us who aren’t burdened by an entirely crushing sense of self-importance. I think that the Simpsonizer tolerates (at the most) a medium-sized sense of importance, as evidenced by its acceptance of my photo.

My Cervix, Myself 3 July, 2007

A woman’s worth is in her cervix… right? Anybody? Right?

Enjoy get really pissed off and want to break something because of this fine video by MistahJ77 about Mormon youth groups and their promotion of thoroughly fucked up gender roles. My favorite part is when he describes how girls are told that, should they become sexually active, they are nothing more than gross, chewed-up pieces of gum.

Not that I’m singling out Mormons here. I happen to think most organized Christian sects have a very misogynistic slant. Even from the beginning, Christianity has never been a very “equal opportunity” religion.

Check out this great article by De-Conversion, which says it a hell of a lot better than I could.

(Yeah, I know–suddenly I’m not talking about Paris Hilton or making funny jokes about Cats that Look Like Hitler. It’s a little jarring for me, too.)

Paris Hilton Dog Food Sells for $305 3 July, 2007

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so I assumed that I was mistaken or confused… Alas, no. An empty can of dog food found in Paris’ trash can fetched a whopping $305 on eBay yesterday, courtesy of our friends at Hollywood Star Trash.

But that’s not all. It seems that folks are also willing to pay $305 for a used toothbrush, $510 for two envelopes, and $51 for an empty can of Coke.

What the hell is going on here, people? I’m not even going to go into how gross it is to want somebody else’s used toothbrush–the thought is just too much for me right now.

And that’s not all Hollywood Star Trash is offering devoted PARISites.

Lee Baca: Sheriff to the Stars 29 June, 2007

Like many of you, I found it ever-so-shady when Sheriff Lee Baca attempted to spring Paris from her prison cell just a few days into her sentence. Apparently Baca felt that Paris was suffering too much in jail because of her “claustrophobia.” Seriously, guys, when was the last time you heard of anyone being handed a Get Out of Jail Free Card for freaking claustrophobia?

This video makes me even more suspicious. No, there isn’t any proof that Baca was paid off by the Hiltons or caved under some sort of pressure, however one must inevitably wonder whether or not Sheriff Baca is as forthright as he claims to be.

Anderson Cooper hates Paris Hilton 29 June, 2007

I didn’t catch Paris Hilton’s interview with Larry King the other day, but according to Trent from Pink is the New Blog, I didn’t miss much.

His Pink-ness writes: I wasn’t at all surprised that she invoked God’s name in the first 10 minutes of the interview (saying something like God has a reason for everything) nor was I surprised to find that she was still blaming other people for what happened to her (instead of admitting that she violated her probation, she still made sure to note that it was her lawyer’s fault for giving her the wrong information).

Anderson Cooper, mega-hot fiercely intelligent journalist that he is, had a few things to say about Paris, Larry King’s soft-ball questions, and Paris’ lack of “appeal.” The clip also contains plenty of clips of Paris acting like an idiot, so enjoy!

I think my favorite part is when Larry asks Paris what her favorite Bible verse is, and Ms. Hilton looks like a dear in headlights. Even when she’s trying to act serious, it’s clear that, when it comes to Paris, there’s no there there.

An Open Letter to Small-Breed Dog Owners 28 June, 2007

Dear Small-Breed Dog Owners,

Open letters are all the rage these days. Paris Hilton, Candy Spelling… Trend-setters, both of them.

I’m writing you today not to criticize, but to begin a dialogue. First let me say that I love all dogs regardless of size and price tag, so your little Maltiwhassit is just as majestic as any Great Dane, German Shepherd, or other real large dog.

You know you want me

Yesterday I stopped by the WellPets Economy Clinic to get some low-cost shots for my little border collie/beagle mix puppy, Alex. There were several other small-breed dog owners there and I have a few observations I’d like to share with you. Certainly, my perspective is that of an outsider, but sometimes a little distance can allow one to see clearly.

Kathy Hilton, World’s Greatest Mom 27 June, 2007

You’d think a classy dame like Kathy Hilton (pictured here with daughter Nicky) might understand that her eldest daughter, Paris, did wrong and deserved to be punished, but alas, no. At Paris’s first trial, Kathy reportedly shouted, “You’re pathetic!” to one of the prosecutors.